Growing Pains

I want to update my blog and explain all that God has been doing in my life. But I'm staring at the screen totally unsure of where to begin. Lord, may this post and my imperfect strivings for holiness bring You glory.

Last time I posted, we were just under the 1 month of marriage mark--now we are well past 3 months! Time is absolutely flying. I've been told much over these last few months about the joys and trials that are "normal" in the first year of marriage. I wonder--will we continue to grow at the exponential rate we have the last few months? I pray it is so. The growth has been wonderful, painful, awesome, terrifying, and amazing. God has proven Himself so faithful time and again both in our relationship and in my own walk with Him. I pray this "season of change" is not dulled or ended with the passing of time. I want to walk in constant change, constant refining, until I am carried into His perfect presence!

There have been lots of tears in my life of late, but amazingly, God has even been refining the reasons for my tears. Of course, there are the tears of homesickness. There are tears for my mistakes, the ways I hurt both my Lord and my husband. There are tears of longing for dreams that I am daily surrendering to my sweet Jesus. But I had an amazing experience at Easter that I would like to try to relate...

I married a man who has an amazingly tender heart toward Jesus. I love Jesus with all my heart, absolutely! But I have had few experiences in my life where I have cried simply out of sheer depth of gratitude. Tears always seem to have selfish motives around them. Anyway, there were times as we "dated" and were engaged when he would be in tears over what Jesus went through for us...and I wanted that. I wanted to be so broken with thankfulness that I couldn't hold back the tears. I wanted a better heart understanding of the nails in His hands and feet.

For Easter this year, we did something VERY different (for me). We attended the Easter Vigil at a large Catholic cathedral downtown. It began at 9:30 pm Easter Eve and went for three hours. I won't lie, I was NOT excited about going to this service. I'm not a night person, and I was dreading trying to stay awake on the hard pew that late at night. Also, I've never "gotten anything out of" a mass. But we went, and the Spirit of God moved in my heart in incredible ways! I won't go into detail about how the service was conducted, but in that three hour period, the Lord broke my heart for Him, and then He healed me with joy so uncontainable that I was sitting there with a huge grin on my face! It was an incredible experience with my precious Jesus--I hope perhaps we can celebrate Easter that way again next year!

The change from being single to being married is like the difference between looking at a flower on the window and then putting it under a powerful microscope. There is no escaping the real me anymore. I can't put on a show for the world and let them believe that I'm a strong, mature, healthy Christian. Living with Rob has forced me to allow another person in during those private moments when I don't think like Christ, act like Christ, speak like Christ, or look anything like Christ. I don't know how different this experience would have been if we'd had more time in person before we got married--and it doesn't really matter. This is the journey the Lord is leading us on, and already in my own life He has used Rob to hack through some pretty enormous briers and bushes in our path.

Pride

James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."

The deep cause of all sins lies in this: pride. And boy, have I been a greenhouse for various and sundry bits of pride to take root and grow. For a while, I was praying, asking the Lord to give me patience as I deal with Rob. I was tired of blowing up at him for little things or reacting in petty, immature ways to something I didn't like. I wanted patience!! Finally, God quietly pointed out to me (through Rob) that patience was not going to solve the problem--it was only going to break the weed off at the stem, leaving the roots intact. To be patient would only cover up the pride for a time. God told me to look for the cause of my illness, not just try to eradicate the symptoms. I realized in this that what I needed wasn't patience. What I needed was humility. From the heart of a humble person will stem no frustration, anger, strife, or whining. To grow in humility was to pull pride out by the roots and plant in its place something beautiful and nourishing. I am by no means yet a humble woman. But God is refining me. Praise His Holy Name!!!

Submission

Ephesians 5:22-23a Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...

Any other lesson the Lord has been teaching me as ultimately had to stem out of the lessons in humility. I cannot submit to Rob as my husband if I am pridefully thinking that I have a better way to do things. I must learn in humility to look at him as the incredible blessing that he is--my head, my leader, and my love. He truly is so worthy of the position God has placed him in. He seeks the Lord naturally. Honestly, when I can get rid of my pride, I have very little problem submitting to him in all things, because I know he is in turn seeking the leadership of Lord Jesus. And when I say in all things, I include things like letting him drive (though my pride would convince me I'm better and safer in the driver's seat) and, eventually, making the tough decision of where we will settle down and begin our family.

That last one has been a huge hurdle for me, not primarily in submitting to Rob but in submitting to the Lord. What if what He's planned as best for us does not line up with my deep-set heart desires? Can I still follow Rob in love and walk in faith with him? That's a daily burden that I am having to surrender. "Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you."

Time

Psalm 31:15a My times are in your hands...

One of the main questions I get asked is what I do with myself since I can't work. This has been an awesome area in my life to watch God grow me and teach me. My time is not mine. Every moment belongs to Him, and though I may not be out in the world doing great things for His kingdom, He has purposed in His heart to use me here, now, in this place, in all of this free time I have. Some days he has me cleaning, cooking, and in other ways serving my husband and his dad/wife, with whom we live. But in the last few weeks, He's also begun presenting me with some awesome opportunities to serve others as well.

I began last weekend to interpret a Saturday night church service at a church across town (not the one we attend). The Deaf woman has had very little, if any, discipleship since she became a believer last August. I am so excited to work with her and be involved in her growth as a baby Christian. Also, as evidence that God blesses us when we serve him with a surrendered heart, He's made this opportunity one that will drastically grow and challenge my signing/interpreting skills. The woman, *T*, is a skilled signer, and I can't wait to spend more time chatting with her!

I've been involved in a Bible study since I arrived in Calgary, and one of the women in my group has only been able to come twice since I got here. She has an almost-three-year-old and, at almost-forty, just found out she's pregnant again (not planned, not expected)! She's been struggling a lot with this whole situation, and her husband is currently working two jobs that keep him out of town for days at a time. I've been blessed to have the time to offer her an extra pair of hands for whatever she may need. Today and Friday I will be entertaining her little one so she can get some other stuff done, or maybe just nap!! I'm so grateful to be able to be so free for offering my time, skills, and help to others the Lord is bringing into my life!

Well, I know there are many other things I could relay that the Lord is doing in me. I know, too, that I can't see or fathom all He really has going on here. I pray He continues to humble me, grow me, and change me more into the image of His Son. May He be with you today, bringing you peace in your storms, joy in your sorrows, and healing in your pain!

Love in the Lamb,
Stephanie

I am the Lord; No One is like Me

Our lecture at Bible study today was awesome. I'm not sure that I can accurately explain all that the Lord impressed upon my heart, but here it goes. Father, I pray you use these words to make clear to any reading hearts Your Truth. You see them where they are, you know their needs, and you can use these truths to teach, challenge, and encourage them. Have Your way.

Isaiah is constantly speaking out against false prophets and false idols of his day. Perhaps as in no time since then, we are now living in a society that has returned to Babylonian religion. More people than ever are visiting fortune tellers, palm readers, tarot card readers, horoscopes, angel readers....you name it, people will pay to hear "prophecy" of where their life is headed. However, God's point in much of chapters 42-45 of Isaiah is that the idols of the people have made no prophecies that have actually come true; in contrast, every word God has spoken has thus far come to pass. So:

Fortune tellers predict what will happen. God promises what will happen.

"You may say to yourselves, “How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the LORD?” If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the LORD does not take place or come true, that is a message the LORD has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously, so do not be alarmed." Deuteronomy 18:21-22

This message is so applicable to our world. Wow.

Now, in the particular passage we read this last week, God calls Cyrus, King of Persia, to be the contemporary savior of His people from their captivity in Babylon......only he calls this king by name 150 years before he was born!

"This is what the LORD says to his anointed, to Cyrus,
whose right hand I take hold of...
For the sake of Jacob my servant, of Israel my chosen,
I summon you by name and bestow on you a title of honor,
though you do not acknowledge me." Isaiah 45:1,4

As they say up here in Canada, "Cool, eh?" This calling of Cyrus was a hard pill for the Israelites to swallow. They were looking for a savior much like Moses, the prince-turned-shepherd. Yet here was God, telling them they would be saved by a Gentile, pagan king! The lecturer's point here was that we must let God work through unexpected people in our lives. Don't assume you know either his ways or his vessels as you walk through trials and struggles.

The last real point of this section of scripture dealt with the concept of questioning God. We've all been there at one time or another...why did this happen? What are you doing, God? What's going on?! The people in Isaiah's time were not questioning God out of a spirit of need, desire for his will, or even simply a desire for understanding? They were "quarreling" with their Maker; the hebrew word for quarrel here indicates rage-filled, accusatory questioning. Ultimately, we are welcomed to be open with our Heavenly Father. We are welcome to bring our questions and our needs before him. However, we are not to question his character. We can, though, question his purpose; these questions actually indicate our faith when we ask, believing that we serve a God who is capable of answering!

Regardless of whom you depend on and spend your time on in this world, even with good purpose: serving your husband, teaching your children, getting to know a boyfriend or girlfriend....our lecturer said: "The greatest children, husbands, and boyfriends still make very poor gods." Serve and honor the One and Only, the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. He will take your hand and guide you until at last you arrive at his throne in the eternal Kingdom. Praise be to our God!

Laundry

I am thoroughly enjoying being a stay-at-home wife. For two years, I have loved Rob from a distance, longing to serve and help him and being so completely unable to do so. Now, at last, I share his home, and I can use my time, energy, and skills to make his life easier.

One thing I've never been super great at is laundry. By not super great, I don't mean that I can't do laundry. Mostly, it's always been an issue of remembering that it's in the machine. You know, you remember six hours later that you started a load. Well, I now have a husband, meaning we now generate twice as much laundry as I used to alone. I have done quite a bit of laundry just in the week and a half I've been here. I have learned two things.

1) My forgetfulness can be wholly contributed to the machines I've always used. We now have front loaders that literally sing a victory song when your load is done, effectively helping me to remember that I need to go switch it out! I think this is about as great as pumpkin pie...it's the little things in life.

2) One slight incident with some white T-shirts (Rob's wardrobe staple) and a pair of yellow underwear (*sigh*) started me thinking about the verse in Isaiah that talks about our being as filthy rags:

All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags... (64:6a)

Long story short, I "took out a whole fleet" of Rob's white shirts. Yes, those were his words :D. We bleached them, and some/most of the bright yellow stains came out. As I was folding the load, I laid one shirt to the side. I glanced back at it and realized that, laying there alone, it looked fine. Not brilliantly white by any means, but sufficiently clean. However, I laid one of his brand new shirts down next to it and I realized just how dingy, dirty, and ready for the rag pile this shirt was.

Our lives can be like this. If we ignore the standards of Christ and choose to live on our own, we can often make a fairly good go of it. We get the "good person" syndrome. In the eyes of ourselves and the world, we're doin' alright.

But the moment we set ourselves up next to Christ, we "become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags". In the brilliant radiance of His holiness and purity, we realize how dirty and unholy we are. Yet there is hope! Isaiah 1:18 declares God's promise for those who allow Him to cleanse them of sin:

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

Amen! Thank you, Father, for your overwhelming mercy to us who sin against you! Jesus, your sacrifice allows us to stand in the presence of the Almighty, washed as white as snow. Thank you! Spirit, teach us more each day and open our eyes to areas of sin that we have not surrendered to Your cleansing flood. Thank you, God!!
Amen.

May the deaf ears hear

I love thickly sliced, buttered, cinnamon-raisin toast. That has nothing to do with what else I have to say here, but I wanted to let you know.

In other news, I had an interesting experience at the grocery store yesterday that the Lord used to open my eyes. I love it when He does that! May I take His lesson to heart, apply it to my life, and walk in ever closer communion with Him!

I was wandering my new grocery store, looking for all the things on my list. I wasn't there to buy, just to price--things are quite a bit more expensive here, it would seem. As I made my way along the back wall of the store, the theft alarm at the front door started going off. Now they must be serious about shoplifting in Canada....this was no piddly alarm. The thing sounded a bit reminiscent of a fog horn on steroids. As it droned on, I was at first a little put out that it was disrupting my nice, quiet, solitary trip down the aisles. Up one, down the next, jot on the list, repeat. Easy. Comfortable. Familiar.

It wasn't 2 minutes later that I looked up from my list, startled to realize that, yes, the fog horn still echoed through the tiled, high-ceilinged room.....but I had totally blocked it out as I went about my business. How quickly I adapted and began to ignore that which I did not want to hear!

All too often, I do this with the Lord. He sends me a wake up call, sometimes through a verse or chapter, sometimes through a friend or a gentle rebuke from my husband. I am perturbed at the disruption to my normalcy, so I listen for a short second, grumble a bit, then move on with life, effectively ignoring that still, small voice echoing repetitiously in my spirit.

As I recognized this situation standing there amongst the shredded, block, and sliced cheeses, God showed me a bit more...a few minutes later, as I made my way up toward the canned peas, I was struck by the silence emanating from the alarm. I had been totally unaware of the moment of its end. I thought, God, please don't ever allow my heart to become so callous that I am unaware of the moment I can no longer hear your voice.

In our study of Isaiah, we just finished chapters 42-44. In these chapters, God the Creator and King is speaking of both Israel, his servant nation, and Jesus, his Servant King. Israel is once again rebuked for their blindness and deafness, their unfaithfulness to their faithful God.

^42:18 “Hear, you deaf;
look, you blind, and see!
¹⁹ Who is blind but my servant,
and deaf like the messenger I send?
Who is blind like the one in covenant with me,
blind like the servant of the LORD?
²⁰ You have seen many things, but you pay no attention;
your ears are open, but you do not listen.”

It is so easy to become this way, blinded by laziness, selfishness, callousness. We constantly forget the Lord in our day-to-day operations, "going through the motions" as Matthew West so aptly sings. Yet, there is hope!

^43:1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”

^44:22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you.”
²³ Sing for joy, you heavens, for the LORD has done this;
shout aloud, you earth beneath.
Burst into song, you mountains,
you forests and all your trees,
for the LORD has redeemed Jacob,
he displays his glory in Israel.

Amen! Father, thank You for Your redeeming love for a people so in need of redemption! We cannot survive a moment without You, who gives us breath. Open our blinded eyes to see our idols in order that we might tear them down and give You Your rightful place in our hearts. You are sovereign, holy, altogether righteous! To You be all glory, honor, majesty, and praise!
Thank You, Jesus.
Thank You, Spirit.
Thank You, Father.
Amen.

"Wait for it..." Habakkuk Ch. 1

Last week, I was meditating on Habakkuk 2:3 "For the vision is yet for an appointed time: but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." In our Bible study on Isaiah, the concept often comes up of God's every word coming to pass, without exception. This has been increasingly true in my life of late, as so many dreams are coming to fruition.

I decided to read the entirety of the book; I felt much more ready to do this having spent so much time in Isaiah--the prophetic books are not near as intimidating now!! Habakkuk's cry to the LORD at the beginning of Chapter 1 should be echoed by anyone, believer or non-, who takes an honest look at our world: "Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds" (1:3) Why is God still putting up with our broken, desolate, destructive world? I'm sure these thoughts resounded in the heart of Noah, the only righteous man in a society of wickedness run rampant.

Listening to news reports and reading the headlines, it seems improbable that in our world of technology and digital communication, anyone is left who has not heard the truth, and an overwhelming number seem to have rejected it. What is God waiting for?! And what are we to do with this viewpoint? How are we to think, act, and pray in a world full of such vile sin? The answer comes: "I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told you." (1:5) We are to seek HIS viewpoint.

Habakkuk has an amazing understanding of God's holiness and asks a valid question: how is it that you, the Most Holy God, are choosing to continue looking upon the sinful masses of humanity, those who are destroying one another for personal gain? And yet I love Habakkuk's response 2:1 "I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer when I am corrected."

In this response, Habakkuk shows strength, humility, and trust. First, he makes a firm decision not to allow the ravages of the world to drive him into hiding in fear. He knows, as God's servant, that God has promised to "work a work", and he will not cower and risk missing what God will do. Secondly, he displays trust: he doesn't say whimperingly, "I will watch and wait and hope and pray that God hears me and responds." No. He said, "watch to see what he will say to me". There is not a doubt in Habakkuk's mind that God WILL hear him and WILL answer. Last but not least comes humility. I was astonished, struck by his obvious expectation that he didn't have a full understanding, and he was eager to hear God's corrective response.

Do I come to the Lord this way? I think not, most of the time. It's so much easier to just pray, telling God how I see it, and then say, "Okay, God, great talking to you; thanks for your time. Amen." How much deeper in my understanding and wisdom could I go if I allowed the Lord to correct my thinking?

All of this brings me back around to the world and its obvious state of decay. I don't know why God is allowing so much pain and sorrow as a result of sin, and I don't know why he sits back and watches the forces of evil reap so much victory. But I acknowledge that God is all-powerful, and he has not ignored the state of our world. He will come. He will not delay. I pray I am standing on my watch, set upon a rampart, waiting for him.

Change...friend or foe?

When I graduated from HS and headed for college, I remember being asked by one of my youth pastors to write something for their youth group blog. I wrote on change, how hard it was, how much I was NOT looking forward to it, and so on.

Four years later, I'm still not settled into a comfortable relationship with change. I am closer to it, I will admit. I have a lot more experience under my belt, along with a LOT more prayer. And if nothing else, I can look back at the last four years and have a perfect view of God's purposes in and ability to use change in my life.

Four years ago, I had dreams of being a cop who could interpret.
Today, I'm an interpreter who sighs dreamily every time a cop drives by.

Four years ago, I was fairly comfortable **READ: prideful** with my knowledge of the Bible.
Today, I know how little I know....and I yearn for more.

Four years ago, I had no idea what it truly meant to have accountability from sisters in Christ.
Today, I am blessed to be held to the standard of righteousness by several women of God.

Four years ago, I was terrified to leave my mom and dad.
Today, I'm just sad--not terrified--for I know that the Spirit of God binds us together through the distance.

Four years ago, I did not want to leave home, much less move 6 states away.
Next week, I'm getting married and moving a country away.....to my home, with my husband.

Four years ago, I had some understanding of who God is.
Today, He is my Father, my Teacher, my Healer, my Best Friend, my Beloved, and we grow more intimate every day.

And so I see that change, in all its harsh reality, is a gift from God. Through the turmoil, He opens our eyes to greater truths of His goodness and provision. In times of pain, we more clearly hear His voice. CS Lewis wrote: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

I have felt almost guilty admitting that in this time of such intense excitement, there is also a definite measure of pain. I never imagined that the days and weeks surrounding my wedding would feel, in small part, like a storm in my life. It feels wrong to say...but it is true. I have ZERO regrets about marrying Rob--I believe him to be the one God has made for me. I know that with him is where I am meant to be, and as Ruth understood, I am to go where he goes; his people are to be my people. Thankfully, his God is already my God!!! And that fact is what makes me assured that this change will be wonderful!!

Father, use this time of change to reveal to me your blessings, your Truth, your purpose for me in this lost and dying world. Thank you for pain, as it rids me of all distraction and turns me to you. Unstop these deaf ears to hear your direction, comfort, and hope. I love you, Abba!

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:6

The Longing of a Bride

I finally feel like I can call myself the "bride-to-be". Something about being 16 months from marriage just didn't make that feel real practical, back when we first got engaged. But here I am, only 16 days from becoming Rob's wife. *deep breath* The time has come.

"The Lord has done this, and it is marvelous to behold!" Ps. 118:23

It has been a loooooooooooooooooooong 7 months since I last saw Rob. I so often find myself spending long minutes, sometimes hours, pondering how much I miss him and long to be with him, my beloved. Yet in this, I see a strange dichotomy--and I don't like what I see.

I am redeemed by the blood of the Lamb, and I am therefore a member of His Church, also depicted as His Bride. As such, I should be overwhelmed by intense longing for Him as my Beloved. I should spend hours longing to be in His presence (and thanks be to God, He has provided access to Himself through the renting of the veil by his death!). But instead of this desire, this devotion, this longing, I have mediocre times of quiet meditation, semi-productive periods of prayer, and quick e-mail-like petitions sent up throughout the day.

My relationship with Rob has only flourished through the distance because we have both determined to devote time, energy, and love to one another and to be very intentional about protecting the time we spend with one another. This has often come at a cost to other things in our lives, namely sleep and time with our families.

**On that note, I was listening to a sermon today that spoke of Jesus's comment that we must hate father and mother, brother and sister in order to follow him. This was not a command to love our families less, but to love Jesus most. I have seen myself willing to do this in my relationship with Rob as far as putting time with him above time with family or friends. However, I am so often unwilling to do it for my Savior, my Beloved.**

I pray that in this new year as the Lord teaches me to be a wife, a friend, a lover, and a help-meet, I determine within my heart to be a better lover and friend to the One who loves me above all else. I pray that He gently leads me into a lifestyle that places Him in the place of priority in my heart, above even Rob, my (ALMOST!) husband. I pray that I learn to devote time, energy, and love to my relationship with Christ to foster and grow and protect it, regardless of the cost.

"The Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come.' He who testifies to these things says, 'Yes, I am coming soon.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus." Revelation 22:17, 20