Last time I posted, we were just under the 1 month of marriage mark--now we are well past 3 months! Time is absolutely flying. I've been told much over these last few months about the joys and trials that are "normal" in the first year of marriage. I wonder--will we continue to grow at the exponential rate we have the last few months? I pray it is so. The growth has been wonderful, painful, awesome, terrifying, and amazing. God has proven Himself so faithful time and again both in our relationship and in my own walk with Him. I pray this "season of change" is not dulled or ended with the passing of time. I want to walk in constant change, constant refining, until I am carried into His perfect presence!
There have been lots of tears in my life of late, but amazingly, God has even been refining the reasons for my tears. Of course, there are the tears of homesickness. There are tears for my mistakes, the ways I hurt both my Lord and my husband. There are tears of longing for dreams that I am daily surrendering to my sweet Jesus. But I had an amazing experience at Easter that I would like to try to relate...
I married a man who has an amazingly tender heart toward Jesus. I love Jesus with all my heart, absolutely! But I have had few experiences in my life where I have cried simply out of sheer depth of gratitude. Tears always seem to have selfish motives around them. Anyway, there were times as we "dated" and were engaged when he would be in tears over what Jesus went through for us...and I wanted that. I wanted to be so broken with thankfulness that I couldn't hold back the tears. I wanted a better heart understanding of the nails in His hands and feet.
For Easter this year, we did something VERY different (for me). We attended the Easter Vigil at a large Catholic cathedral downtown. It began at 9:30 pm Easter Eve and went for three hours. I won't lie, I was NOT excited about going to this service. I'm not a night person, and I was dreading trying to stay awake on the hard pew that late at night. Also, I've never "gotten anything out of" a mass. But we went, and the Spirit of God moved in my heart in incredible ways! I won't go into detail about how the service was conducted, but in that three hour period, the Lord broke my heart for Him, and then He healed me with joy so uncontainable that I was sitting there with a huge grin on my face! It was an incredible experience with my precious Jesus--I hope perhaps we can celebrate Easter that way again next year!
The change from being single to being married is like the difference between looking at a flower on the window and then putting it under a powerful microscope. There is no escaping the real me anymore. I can't put on a show for the world and let them believe that I'm a strong, mature, healthy Christian. Living with Rob has forced me to allow another person in during those private moments when I don't think like Christ, act like Christ, speak like Christ, or look anything like Christ. I don't know how different this experience would have been if we'd had more time in person before we got married--and it doesn't really matter. This is the journey the Lord is leading us on, and already in my own life He has used Rob to hack through some pretty enormous briers and bushes in our path.
Pride
James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble."
The deep cause of all sins lies in this: pride. And boy, have I been a greenhouse for various and sundry bits of pride to take root and grow. For a while, I was praying, asking the Lord to give me patience as I deal with Rob. I was tired of blowing up at him for little things or reacting in petty, immature ways to something I didn't like. I wanted patience!! Finally, God quietly pointed out to me (through Rob) that patience was not going to solve the problem--it was only going to break the weed off at the stem, leaving the roots intact. To be patient would only cover up the pride for a time. God told me to look for the cause of my illness, not just try to eradicate the symptoms. I realized in this that what I needed wasn't patience. What I needed was humility. From the heart of a humble person will stem no frustration, anger, strife, or whining. To grow in humility was to pull pride out by the roots and plant in its place something beautiful and nourishing. I am by no means yet a humble woman. But God is refining me. Praise His Holy Name!!!
Submission
Ephesians 5:22-23a Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...
Any other lesson the Lord has been teaching me as ultimately had to stem out of the lessons in humility. I cannot submit to Rob as my husband if I am pridefully thinking that I have a better way to do things. I must learn in humility to look at him as the incredible blessing that he is--my head, my leader, and my love. He truly is so worthy of the position God has placed him in. He seeks the Lord naturally. Honestly, when I can get rid of my pride, I have very little problem submitting to him in all things, because I know he is in turn seeking the leadership of Lord Jesus. And when I say in all things, I include things like letting him drive (though my pride would convince me I'm better and safer in the driver's seat) and, eventually, making the tough decision of where we will settle down and begin our family.
That last one has been a huge hurdle for me, not primarily in submitting to Rob but in submitting to the Lord. What if what He's planned as best for us does not line up with my deep-set heart desires? Can I still follow Rob in love and walk in faith with him? That's a daily burden that I am having to surrender. "Where you go, I'll go. Where you stay, I'll stay. When you move, I'll move. I will follow you."
Time
Psalm 31:15a My times are in your hands...
One of the main questions I get asked is what I do with myself since I can't work. This has been an awesome area in my life to watch God grow me and teach me. My time is not mine. Every moment belongs to Him, and though I may not be out in the world doing great things for His kingdom, He has purposed in His heart to use me here, now, in this place, in all of this free time I have. Some days he has me cleaning, cooking, and in other ways serving my husband and his dad/wife, with whom we live. But in the last few weeks, He's also begun presenting me with some awesome opportunities to serve others as well.
I began last weekend to interpret a Saturday night church service at a church across town (not the one we attend). The Deaf woman has had very little, if any, discipleship since she became a believer last August. I am so excited to work with her and be involved in her growth as a baby Christian. Also, as evidence that God blesses us when we serve him with a surrendered heart, He's made this opportunity one that will drastically grow and challenge my signing/interpreting skills. The woman, *T*, is a skilled signer, and I can't wait to spend more time chatting with her!
I've been involved in a Bible study since I arrived in Calgary, and one of the women in my group has only been able to come twice since I got here. She has an almost-three-year-old and, at almost-forty, just found out she's pregnant again (not planned, not expected)! She's been struggling a lot with this whole situation, and her husband is currently working two jobs that keep him out of town for days at a time. I've been blessed to have the time to offer her an extra pair of hands for whatever she may need. Today and Friday I will be entertaining her little one so she can get some other stuff done, or maybe just nap!! I'm so grateful to be able to be so free for offering my time, skills, and help to others the Lord is bringing into my life!
Well, I know there are many other things I could relay that the Lord is doing in me. I know, too, that I can't see or fathom all He really has going on here. I pray He continues to humble me, grow me, and change me more into the image of His Son. May He be with you today, bringing you peace in your storms, joy in your sorrows, and healing in your pain!
Love in the Lamb,
Stephanie
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